solitude

he was endlessly enthralling and she was hopelessly fascinated.

black was what crowned his scalp, soft and smooth was its texture and it was made beautiful with the art of it being combed back like that of elvis presley. it was how his eyes sparkled whenever he spoke of something he had extreme passion for, it was how his nose twitched whenever he hears something unpleasant, or something not pleasing to his ears. but it comforted her that his nose never did twitch whenever she was speaking. it was how this line at the left side of his lip showed whenever he had to tell a lie meant as a joke. how he had to make false statements and try to keep a straight face. that line would be evident, and that line would separate the 'truths' and 'lies', "you're such a bad liar!" she always teased, but was always glad that that line at the side would never show or show signs of appearing whenever he told her she was beautiful, or whenever he told her he loved her. it was those perfectly shaped lips that captivated her, it was those lips on hers that took a piece along with the end of that kiss, that cold september morning, they were in knits and he had his arm over her, leaned it, and went for it. the exchange was warm, literally and metaphorically; that warmth was what she craved and knew she needed, both literally and metaphorically. she dived for more, and he did not balk. 

she knew the moment she submitted to him, it was the beginning and the end of everything. 

she loved his silence, and could love him even if he does not speak. it was something she grew comfortable in, something she had knotted herself in dead knots in. she knows it would be impossible to tear her apart as of now, but she allowed herself to. she crept slowly into his bones, and into his marrow. up his chest and down into his abdomen and ran into the comfort of his soul. she allowed him to diffuse into every bit of her being, and fill her lungs with the sweetness of his soul. it was beautiful. they knew from that moment forth, they would not be able to live without the existance of each, they co-exist. and none would be if the other would not.

you see people, they are each essentially one on their own. this two, they were one essentially. you could see their smiles, so close that when one smiles, the other does. so close that when one sleep, the eyes of the other is closed. so close that one eats, the other is filled. so close that if one walks out, it is out of themselves they are walking out of.

Homo sapiens

Funny how we humans dislike people shoving blames and hurl assaults of accusations at others but yet we ourselves do the same. Unhappy and happy events are closely joint with songs, places, people and objects; showing how we don't even leave the non living and business minding things alone. 

I would aspire and work towards not putting events and unfortunate occurrences on objects because that does not only reiterate and highlight the brutish nature of the event (most possibly since we are accustomed to not ever remember the good) as well as destroy the probable beauty of it. Associate a great song with a bad event, in teenage content possibly a bad break up or an almost lover than didn't work out on their chance with you. Possibly a friendship that has gone to waste, or feelings invested that did not sow any profits. Death. Leaving. Quitting. 

Humans are paradoxical creatures.

On the other hand if a bad song is being associated with good memories the opposite happens. Funny how we can change and tune ourselves to however the reality we want and we can even be absorbed in the faux reality we have created. However this shows we are so much more capable than we very often make ourselves to be. We are such powerful tools and I don't understand why people use their minds to trap themselves, be it in the past on the state that they can so easily get out of. They marinate in their sadness, now, let me tell you, you are not a steak. You are a human. And you're so much more than whatever you are. And whatever you are being.

Just be.

Grace, what have You done?

 

                      

Hi! As known to many, my June Chinese o level results are collected on Friday last week (23rd August; the day hitler and Stalin signed the nazi soviet pact) and I felt like sharing my journey towards the result I've gotten and also how God have been so faithful in everything, through everything :') I've only started really preparing for Chinese os after my SA1 this year because it was only then that it struck me that Os Chinese is THAT near, so yep I panicked, but i started revision by doing my TYS, reading model essays and things like that. June holidays, was a blur. Lessons on the first week drained me and the second week was just filled with catch ups with long lost friends and the 3rd was of me attending the best camp in the world, the encounter Jesus camp! School was disrupted on the 4th week because of the (thank God) haze HAHA thus enabling me to have some time to rest (as if I hadn't rest enough alr) and ofc study. But with the time i focused on subjects like math and science.....and I did not care about the much dreaded Chinese. 

As the days go, the day of the examination also drew nearer, went through intensive programs that were organized by the school and I did what I could. My results were hovering on the b3-c5 range and I still am failing my Chinese paper 2 with scores of 34/35 out of 70. My ears had some weird problem (HAHA) and my listening compre component was always a 14/20. The essence of it was my Chinese was bad. And at this rate, attaining an A1 was.... Out of the question. But I just trusted The Lord and did what I could. 

The day of the examination came. The worst happened. The paper was so. super. difficult. The day of my oral came, I felt good about it although I knew I did not do "that" well, with questions trying to be answered by yours truly and yet ending with "sorry laoshi wo shuo qi ta de, zhe ge wo bu hui jiang" so yep, horrible. But I felt good and I would believe it was because I know favour was poured all over me, and I was disgustingly drenched with that same favour :') listening compre was good. It was easier than all the other components. 

About 3 weeks before the results, I had a session with my church mates and I was asked if I did check if my answers for my Chinese paper was correct, and I casually went "nah Jesus says A1 means A1 la why must u care where the marks are gonna be from?" 

It was easy initially to keep faith and declare "I'm trusting god for an A1!" But when the day of the result really drew near, I got a little afraid, questions buzzed. Doubts rose. Faith dwindled. However, I guess this faith has somewhat seeped into my being, on the outside I still was "trust god for A1" on the inside, it was a 70% trust god for an A1, and 30% making a secret pact with god for at least a B3.

When I went up to collect my results, I was shocked, dumbfounded and hit so hard in my face of the reality that grace is so real. I got the results I do not deserve the least bit and it just got to be grace. I screwed up my oral yet I've got a distinction for that. How great is God! Jesus how cooooool. B) 

Grace is so real. Wisdom is so real. Favour is so real. Jesus is too real.

I was somewhat faithless, but He was unfailingly faithful. 

Without a doubt there are also times where I've expected better results and yet I don't get it, but I hold on strongly to the faith that it is because there is something greater out there for me. He has promised and called me a success, with a future so bright I got to wear shades. And He's not stopping now :') 

xo

.??!>>@#>

I dont exactly know why i always think it's fine to get pictures of people online and posting it on my blog. I know i gotta stop doing these things.

It has indeed been long since i got onto this space, and I have been putting a good thought into wanting to start to write again. Been keeping little notes here and there; in my planner, my phone, post its, everywhere. But never did I find a place suitable enough for me to plan 'complete' thoughts down. Maybe I would use this space again.

Just some updates in case some people still bother reading this space (I highly doubt so but if there is anyone here then, hi). Life has been pretty much mediocre for me. Certain changes in my life did occur though, but none so great I remember. 

I am really considering to start writing here all over. O levels in about 2 months and O level English oral tomorrow. Only thing affecting me is how much it doesn't affect me, but i guess it's probably due to the fact that i know my daddy god is going to be with me :) and He's gonna make everything awesome. Even my mistakes will prosper. 

I might be using this space again. I might not be using this space again. Till then :) (love you whoever might be here)