The rich and ugly

Pathetic and sad how Singaporeans consider themselves successful just because they've got a position in the central business district of Singapore. Despairing how life to some isn't more than that. When i grow up, I would want to serve in the Air Force not because it is success to me but because my dad wants me to. I don't even know what success is defined as? Is success achieved when you're happy with what you're doing? Or is success achieved when everyone is happy with what you're doing? I would want to get married, dawning on the prettiest wedding gown and have my one true love as my groom. I want to have 2 children, either a boy and a girl or both boys. I would make breakfast in bed for my lover and buy cute clothings for my kids and do my utmost best to raise them up to the best they can be. Though it scares me how every 16 year old would want something above mentioned, not all get it. Looking around I see office workers of high post, they're happy, they've a great family, they probably had their dream. However there are also the people like the trash collectors, toilet cleaners, didn't they ever not dream of such? I don't think so. But I hope I belong to the former, I would be really happy not as a manager, but because I wanted it. 

"When you're rich you lose everything" I don't know what started this highly biased opinion of mine, possibly from the people I've met. I don't know but I would want a family gathering to be one filled with laughter and chatter and definitely not one that possesses graveyard silence. However I actually witness one of such the other day, why would people want to hold their family gatherings or gatherings with friends at a location belonging to the higher class if it means that they would have to constantly do a behavioral check, people are so complicated. 

Anyway, I went on food adventures a lot the past week. I went ikea and had 15 meatballs and nuggets and I had skinny pizza with m'luv yesterday. It was good like how any day with my favourite homosapian is. Got a new job and I'm most probably starting next week. Didn't want to be so caught up in the stress anymore over at my previous job because stress makes people so so crazy. 

Still here

Sadness diffused slower than normal but that doesn't mean it doesn't come. Hate how people disregard my feelings and label me the "happy girl". Sure of course I'm happy, sadness is not something I will, or ever will grow accustomed to. I hate sadness and I think it's about one of the worst feelings you can ever associate yourself with. But that doesn't mean sadness doesn't come. Hate how people just chuck the possibilities of me having emotions to one side and expect me to handle every stride that comes, sure I will, because I'm not weak but can I have some credit for staying that way? Sadness hits people in the lump in the throat with hot lava like tears welling up in the eyes kind of way, but it comes to me differently. I don't see the worst of everything, in fact I see the best but I see the best not happening I see the best leaving, I see me. I see me reaching out for that, and yet not managing to clasp it and it just went, gone like the wind. 

Truth is I can be here today and gone tomorrow and nobody would care, not because I'm insignificant but because everyone would think that it is some sort of "basic" that I will come back eventually. Did not want to fall back to this perceively weak self that I am, not sure what triggered me as well. But I know I'm healing, if not for myself, it's for the people who care for me. 

Me time

Went for breakfast today at the botanic gardens. Never fancied breakfast there because of the inflated prices. However today was fine because I walked around after breakfast and found things to love. the baby fed birds with left over bread that she couldn't finish and I walked around a part of the botanic gardens. I never was one that loved nature and nature kind of just slips and falls into the blind spot of mine but today, I managed to see and appreciate them with the help of children. Don't we all yearn for the child like innocence that we once possess? 

I caught catching fire yesterday with my one true love (lol) and it was mediocre I would say. It was much less exciting as compare to the first of the trilogy as the first one was much more suspenseful. Catching fire, however has too much focus on Peeta and katniss and the explainations behind each action that the "government" took is lame. Had pho and fun after that, nothing beats a day spent with my babe. Was making pho puns in the restaurant, like when the tray fell, we came up with: oh no! The tray pho off the table! 

sorry for my jumbled thoughts, it's 10.30am in the morning and I just felt like penning down what I'm thinking right at this moment, with photos as well since I managed to take some earlier on. 

Photographs

Basically sums up my week. Been occupying myself with work recently, kind of like work bc of good and fun company though my manager is really fierce. I've caught a lot from working I guess since I'm working where presumedly the "rich and famous" hang out though I see none whom I stereotyped them to be. Most of them are silly and pretty hollow, they make a lot of noise and are inconsiderate. Of course with everything comes exceptions, there are nice people as well though minimal. Saw many old couples serving as a reminder that love do exist and it does also, last. Saw stupid people passing off foolish shallow remarks like "we can't change the world we live in, we can only adapt to it." and after many days at work, I wasn't surprised this came from a "rich and famous" personnel, who I thought did not deserve anything of what he had.

Funny how the rich and famous are so flawed, they have nothing except money. If courtesy was currency, if personality was currency, if compassion was currency, if maturity was currency, if etiquette was currency, if smiles were currency, then they're all broke as hell.

Nonetheless I enjoy the place where I'm working at. It actually does give me a lot of inspiration, aside from all the narcissistic beings, the people present are usually nice. Though the place stink of death, I understand that stress drives people nuts. Greed for money drives people nuts. People inspire me. Shit people inspire me. Good people inspire me. 

    

    

    

    

    

If you think of someone enough, you're bound to see them again.

The above was quoted from something said by murakami, and I'm starting to hope that it will be true.

As I dragged myself out of the train station I remember being walloped by the heat of the sun, as much as I like that of a tropical habitat, I absolutely did not fancy the idea of being attacked by the heat all day. I was just grumbling like Regina George on a sunny day deep down, but on the outside I pretended nothing happened, that time of the day was going bad until I reached the bus interchange when I saw someone staring back at me. I cannot quite put a name to that face but the familiarity was intimidating. I was very sure I knew that person from somewhere but I just could not remember where. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe it was one of those people that you felt them in the heart before you even knew them, you feel the weight of their heads on your shoulders before you even offered them a shoulder? Glances were exchanged and I wasn't sure, but I was quite certain stranger felt the same. The bus came and we boarded, it was just the both of us (metaphorically) on the bus but because I didn't want to invest too much of my "feelings" into this I sat on the back face back seat on the bus, mine against this stranger's, it was weird though because all I wanted to do was to look into the reflection of the window and catch another glimpse of that face; how it settled nicely onto the shape of my pupil; how it fits like the pupil was a frame made specially for this portrait that is far more than worthy to be displayed at the Guggenheim museum in Spain.

Everything was such a blur. A supposed "long" bus ride took quicker than usual and then suddenly a friend boarded the bus and I went forward to say hi. Now that I was in front of stranger it is strange how I did not dare to turn about and smile and possibly exchange this feeling of belonging I've sought in the stranger. I guess you can't just find belonging and acceptance in someone you barely know because it is just strange. As urgent as that thought of wanting to know that person might be, saying you find a sort of solace in that someone isn't a conventional ice breaker is it? Soon I had to go and I was almost disappointed in myself for not having to do anything for my feelings but I still had to go. As I got off and was at the bus stop, I waited for the bus to depart, and there I saw stranger at the back seat where we sat back to back, staring out of the window at me, and just before the bus went too far for me to look at the people in it, stranger smiled.

Funny how I was with other friends on that bus but not anyone noticed what had happened, it might be that it was because I didn't ask if they took notice but I guess it is more because people are too caught up with their own lives. One of my accompanying friend for example, commented on how "hot" my friend was but not a thing about the stranger. I kinda like it though, because it would mean that the stranger belongs exclusively to me and stranger's anonymity is mine, it was that silence that we shared that no other silence could compare. It's arresting how this 30 minute "moment" is so precious, it was like someone I never knew yet someone I knew everything about. That is my stranger.

Dear stranger I do hope I see you again. Possibly awhile after this I wouldn't, but by penning it down in words, I know this was what I exactly felt at that moment when I saw you, and though I might not feel such anymore or not in a long time, I know that I did feel this way before, and this part of my feelings at the places we've been to will always be associated with you because it's yours. 

listen to my voice it's my disguise

To: anyone who is possibly reading this

O levels are pretty much over considering the fact that i have just one last paper left, feeling idle almost every day unless i am reading/ watching a movie or out with my friends. i really would like a job but on the other hand i wouldn't because there are just so many things i actually want to do. shall make a list.

1. go cafe hopping 

2. watch people

3. be nice. love people.

4. spend more time with people i haven't had the chance to spend time with

5. read.

I really want to start writing again, it's been far too long since i have had the chance to pen down complete thoughts. either that or when a thought so beautiful pops up in my head, i just let it linger and diffuse into a part of me; not just a thought anymore, because i dont want to try to grasp it and try to make sense out of it, because everything beautiful turns to dust every time i try to make sense out of it. I have learnt to stop trying to make sense of things that happen because i do not anymore see the rationale behind trying to understand everything about life. getting a better perspective, definitely. but not anymore about finding the reason to because it's always better to 

remember seek; forgetting find 

I am just so so glad that O levels are over, cannot ever emphasize this enough. Because now i can finally slog around and not feel guilty at all and i can do things that i think i will possibly enjoy and that include looking at things and try penning them down unto sketches as well as words. what runs in the blood is often put forth as simply as simple can get; in words. currently working on a playlist i am giving to someone special, hope it turns out perfect because that special someone deserves nothing less than perfect :)

till next time!