Mission

It's been long since I've last written here. Been really busy with work these days and just the other day, I broke down (not really HAHA) because of the overwhelming commitments from everywhere. Felt that I was neglecting my friends. Felt that I wasn't spending enough time with everyone. So, I've decided. I might want to stop working after this week, but I'm not entirely sure. Work is fun, the chefs are mean on the whole but stress always drives people nuts right? In an attempt to morph into a better person, I've started practicing looking at a single person from different perspectives. An example would be this really horrendously behaved chef at my work place. I saw a wedding ring on his finger the other day. In a split second, he wasn't the annoying chef I know anymore. Instead, he is a caring father and a loving husband. However, he had to agitate me even more after, and now I just wish he knows the feelings shared are mutual, he hates me and I hate him too. No problem, no hard feelings there. 

I choose my words carefully, I try to slot in phrases like "for you" when speaking to someone. It is somewhat supposed to evoke a feeling of specialty and compliment because the everyone lacks so much of attention from everyone. simple words like these (as if) scream out, hey, I don't know you but I care and as of now, you're important to me. Then I realised no one bothers and that leads me to the next point. I was rather annoyed the other day because of different people (strangers) and my inferiority complex started working up. What would they think of me? I thought and concluded almost in the same second that I didn't have to care, because people hardly even think nowadays. 

However life is still good. It's Christmas and I'm at a family gathering now. I've work tomorrow and a party the day after, following with a date with my beloved best friend and more commonly known, my boyfriend. 

So in love, still in love 

Winona forever

When Johnny saw Winona for the first time he was 26 and she was 18. They were every adolescent’s dream - he was a teen idol and she was little more than a teenager. They knew of one another through their movies but they met in person at the premiere of Great Balls of Fire, Winona wore white and was in the hall drinking a Coke. “It was a classic glance,” said Depp, “like the zoom lenses in West Side Story, and everything else gets foggy.” “It wasn’t a long moment – echoed Winona - but it was suspended.” 

 They met again several months later at Johnny’s ‘home’ at the Chateau Marmont and they talked about their mutual love of Catcher in the Rye and the soundtrack from The Mission. A week or so later their union was blessed during their first official date, by the LSD guru, Timothy Leary, who, just like in a screenplay of a dark rom-com, was the godfather of "I have never had a boyfriend and I stay at home with my mum and watch old movies" Winona and the idol of the Beat Generation "I finished trying out all the drugs there were at 14" Johnny. 
Shortly after that she had a ring on her finger and he had “Winona forever” tattooed on his biceps.

She said things like: "When I met Johnny, I was pure virgin. He changed that. He was my first everything. My first real kiss. My first real boyfriend. My first fiancé. The first guy I had sex with. So he’ll always be in my heart. Forever. Kind of funny that word."  
He responded with: ”I’d die for her. I love her so much. I don’t know what I would do without her. She’s going through a lot right now. I wish I could just kiss away the pain, make it go away, stop it, kill it! If she, you know, I don’t know what I would do. I’d kill myself. I love that girl. I love her. I love her almost more than I love myself.” Or: “Believe me, this Winona Forever tattoo is not something I took lightly…Her eyes kill me”.

The rich and ugly

Pathetic and sad how Singaporeans consider themselves successful just because they've got a position in the central business district of Singapore. Despairing how life to some isn't more than that. When i grow up, I would want to serve in the Air Force not because it is success to me but because my dad wants me to. I don't even know what success is defined as? Is success achieved when you're happy with what you're doing? Or is success achieved when everyone is happy with what you're doing? I would want to get married, dawning on the prettiest wedding gown and have my one true love as my groom. I want to have 2 children, either a boy and a girl or both boys. I would make breakfast in bed for my lover and buy cute clothings for my kids and do my utmost best to raise them up to the best they can be. Though it scares me how every 16 year old would want something above mentioned, not all get it. Looking around I see office workers of high post, they're happy, they've a great family, they probably had their dream. However there are also the people like the trash collectors, toilet cleaners, didn't they ever not dream of such? I don't think so. But I hope I belong to the former, I would be really happy not as a manager, but because I wanted it. 

"When you're rich you lose everything" I don't know what started this highly biased opinion of mine, possibly from the people I've met. I don't know but I would want a family gathering to be one filled with laughter and chatter and definitely not one that possesses graveyard silence. However I actually witness one of such the other day, why would people want to hold their family gatherings or gatherings with friends at a location belonging to the higher class if it means that they would have to constantly do a behavioral check, people are so complicated. 

Anyway, I went on food adventures a lot the past week. I went ikea and had 15 meatballs and nuggets and I had skinny pizza with m'luv yesterday. It was good like how any day with my favourite homosapian is. Got a new job and I'm most probably starting next week. Didn't want to be so caught up in the stress anymore over at my previous job because stress makes people so so crazy. 

Still here

Sadness diffused slower than normal but that doesn't mean it doesn't come. Hate how people disregard my feelings and label me the "happy girl". Sure of course I'm happy, sadness is not something I will, or ever will grow accustomed to. I hate sadness and I think it's about one of the worst feelings you can ever associate yourself with. But that doesn't mean sadness doesn't come. Hate how people just chuck the possibilities of me having emotions to one side and expect me to handle every stride that comes, sure I will, because I'm not weak but can I have some credit for staying that way? Sadness hits people in the lump in the throat with hot lava like tears welling up in the eyes kind of way, but it comes to me differently. I don't see the worst of everything, in fact I see the best but I see the best not happening I see the best leaving, I see me. I see me reaching out for that, and yet not managing to clasp it and it just went, gone like the wind. 

Truth is I can be here today and gone tomorrow and nobody would care, not because I'm insignificant but because everyone would think that it is some sort of "basic" that I will come back eventually. Did not want to fall back to this perceively weak self that I am, not sure what triggered me as well. But I know I'm healing, if not for myself, it's for the people who care for me. 

Me time

Went for breakfast today at the botanic gardens. Never fancied breakfast there because of the inflated prices. However today was fine because I walked around after breakfast and found things to love. the baby fed birds with left over bread that she couldn't finish and I walked around a part of the botanic gardens. I never was one that loved nature and nature kind of just slips and falls into the blind spot of mine but today, I managed to see and appreciate them with the help of children. Don't we all yearn for the child like innocence that we once possess? 

I caught catching fire yesterday with my one true love (lol) and it was mediocre I would say. It was much less exciting as compare to the first of the trilogy as the first one was much more suspenseful. Catching fire, however has too much focus on Peeta and katniss and the explainations behind each action that the "government" took is lame. Had pho and fun after that, nothing beats a day spent with my babe. Was making pho puns in the restaurant, like when the tray fell, we came up with: oh no! The tray pho off the table! 

sorry for my jumbled thoughts, it's 10.30am in the morning and I just felt like penning down what I'm thinking right at this moment, with photos as well since I managed to take some earlier on. 

Photographs

Basically sums up my week. Been occupying myself with work recently, kind of like work bc of good and fun company though my manager is really fierce. I've caught a lot from working I guess since I'm working where presumedly the "rich and famous" hang out though I see none whom I stereotyped them to be. Most of them are silly and pretty hollow, they make a lot of noise and are inconsiderate. Of course with everything comes exceptions, there are nice people as well though minimal. Saw many old couples serving as a reminder that love do exist and it does also, last. Saw stupid people passing off foolish shallow remarks like "we can't change the world we live in, we can only adapt to it." and after many days at work, I wasn't surprised this came from a "rich and famous" personnel, who I thought did not deserve anything of what he had.

Funny how the rich and famous are so flawed, they have nothing except money. If courtesy was currency, if personality was currency, if compassion was currency, if maturity was currency, if etiquette was currency, if smiles were currency, then they're all broke as hell.

Nonetheless I enjoy the place where I'm working at. It actually does give me a lot of inspiration, aside from all the narcissistic beings, the people present are usually nice. Though the place stink of death, I understand that stress drives people nuts. Greed for money drives people nuts. People inspire me. Shit people inspire me. Good people inspire me. 

    

    

    

    

    

If you think of someone enough, you're bound to see them again.

The above was quoted from something said by murakami, and I'm starting to hope that it will be true.

As I dragged myself out of the train station I remember being walloped by the heat of the sun, as much as I like that of a tropical habitat, I absolutely did not fancy the idea of being attacked by the heat all day. I was just grumbling like Regina George on a sunny day deep down, but on the outside I pretended nothing happened, that time of the day was going bad until I reached the bus interchange when I saw someone staring back at me. I cannot quite put a name to that face but the familiarity was intimidating. I was very sure I knew that person from somewhere but I just could not remember where. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe it was one of those people that you felt them in the heart before you even knew them, you feel the weight of their heads on your shoulders before you even offered them a shoulder? Glances were exchanged and I wasn't sure, but I was quite certain stranger felt the same. The bus came and we boarded, it was just the both of us (metaphorically) on the bus but because I didn't want to invest too much of my "feelings" into this I sat on the back face back seat on the bus, mine against this stranger's, it was weird though because all I wanted to do was to look into the reflection of the window and catch another glimpse of that face; how it settled nicely onto the shape of my pupil; how it fits like the pupil was a frame made specially for this portrait that is far more than worthy to be displayed at the Guggenheim museum in Spain.

Everything was such a blur. A supposed "long" bus ride took quicker than usual and then suddenly a friend boarded the bus and I went forward to say hi. Now that I was in front of stranger it is strange how I did not dare to turn about and smile and possibly exchange this feeling of belonging I've sought in the stranger. I guess you can't just find belonging and acceptance in someone you barely know because it is just strange. As urgent as that thought of wanting to know that person might be, saying you find a sort of solace in that someone isn't a conventional ice breaker is it? Soon I had to go and I was almost disappointed in myself for not having to do anything for my feelings but I still had to go. As I got off and was at the bus stop, I waited for the bus to depart, and there I saw stranger at the back seat where we sat back to back, staring out of the window at me, and just before the bus went too far for me to look at the people in it, stranger smiled.

Funny how I was with other friends on that bus but not anyone noticed what had happened, it might be that it was because I didn't ask if they took notice but I guess it is more because people are too caught up with their own lives. One of my accompanying friend for example, commented on how "hot" my friend was but not a thing about the stranger. I kinda like it though, because it would mean that the stranger belongs exclusively to me and stranger's anonymity is mine, it was that silence that we shared that no other silence could compare. It's arresting how this 30 minute "moment" is so precious, it was like someone I never knew yet someone I knew everything about. That is my stranger.

Dear stranger I do hope I see you again. Possibly awhile after this I wouldn't, but by penning it down in words, I know this was what I exactly felt at that moment when I saw you, and though I might not feel such anymore or not in a long time, I know that I did feel this way before, and this part of my feelings at the places we've been to will always be associated with you because it's yours. 

listen to my voice it's my disguise

To: anyone who is possibly reading this

O levels are pretty much over considering the fact that i have just one last paper left, feeling idle almost every day unless i am reading/ watching a movie or out with my friends. i really would like a job but on the other hand i wouldn't because there are just so many things i actually want to do. shall make a list.

1. go cafe hopping 

2. watch people

3. be nice. love people.

4. spend more time with people i haven't had the chance to spend time with

5. read.

I really want to start writing again, it's been far too long since i have had the chance to pen down complete thoughts. either that or when a thought so beautiful pops up in my head, i just let it linger and diffuse into a part of me; not just a thought anymore, because i dont want to try to grasp it and try to make sense out of it, because everything beautiful turns to dust every time i try to make sense out of it. I have learnt to stop trying to make sense of things that happen because i do not anymore see the rationale behind trying to understand everything about life. getting a better perspective, definitely. but not anymore about finding the reason to because it's always better to 

remember seek; forgetting find 

I am just so so glad that O levels are over, cannot ever emphasize this enough. Because now i can finally slog around and not feel guilty at all and i can do things that i think i will possibly enjoy and that include looking at things and try penning them down unto sketches as well as words. what runs in the blood is often put forth as simply as simple can get; in words. currently working on a playlist i am giving to someone special, hope it turns out perfect because that special someone deserves nothing less than perfect :)

till next time! 

Thus

                                 

My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.

- BRAD PITT

Therefore

        

In the pensiveness of night the cheap, monotonous shrill, symbolic, sensual beat of suggestive drums tatoos orgyistic images on my brain. The smell of gin and 90% beer, entwine with the sometimes suspenseful, slow, sometimes labored static, sometimes motionless, sometimes painfully rigid, till finally the long-waited for jerks and convulsions that fill the now thick chewing gum haze with a mist of sweat, fling the patrons into a fit of supressed joy. The fated 7 days a week bestial virgin bows with the poise of a drunken pavlova. Rivulets of stale perspiration glide from and between her once well-formed anatomy to the anxious, welcoming front-row celebrities who lap it up with infamous glee. The Aura of Horror. I live above it and below it… It is my Divine Comedy. The Dante of 52nd Street. There is no peace in our world. I love you.

I would like to write about nicer things or fiction but we shouldn’t avoid reality should we? The things I have just written are the truth. They are very hard to write about. I am lonely. Forgive me. I am lonely.

- James Dean, in a letter to girlfriend Barbara Glenn.

08 37

It's 8.37am in the morning and I feel that my day is already made. I am happy happy happy I think of happy when I think of you. You make me so happy. 

As intimidating as the thought has it leaves a soft comforting aftertaste, "there's someone who actually loves me" it comes as a whisper, and seeps into my veins and it continue its chants thereafter. Essentially a bag of bones join by connective tissues, placed into this shell, me. A bag of goodness join by the ability to bring felicity (to me), you. You could have chose anyone, yet you chose me. It's such a mouthful, this sense of inadequacy is intriguing, how it can raise so many doubts in my head, yet you use them as opportunities to coyly assure me of the reasons why you love me and of the reasons why you wouldn't love another. So like how two objects cannot occupy the same place, loneliness, inadequacy and unhappiness flees as you become one with me.

You'll always be the skittish boy who makes me crepes, you will always be the boy who doesn't(not) laugh at me when I do silly things. 1, 2, 10, 20 years down the road, you'll still be that boy. I don't think I can clearly put this into words because I too, cannot comprehend. It's bewildering how someone can mean so much to you, is it not? Essentially people essentially two. Yet there's this divine metaphorically act of conjoining that ties two into one. Binds two into one. They make Romeo and Juliet battle out of their graves, screaming amusingly familiar words of how we stole their lines, but what they do not know is that what they had was zilch. We make past lovers scream and demand they be woke for they see, (they do, they do) of what is shared, and in death, they grow deeper than the stench they acquire in regret of not having shared what we had. 

I just want to climb into bed now and trace i love you I love you I really really do all over your back, everything is in a mess because I think of happy when I think of you 

Rekindle

I just want someone who likes me enough to kiss my face. 

I want to be enough, nothing less than perfect because I want to be 

Perfect 

For you 

Idea, ideal.

I love e idea of many things, do they make them ideals for me? Does it make them expectations? 

I love the idea of people. I love how we have hair, how we don't. How we have eyes, eyebrows also, to keep away the perspiration from entering our eyes, how we have noses, how we can smell the aromatic scent of our lover's hair. How we have lips, how we have a mouth, we can speak, and put across ideas and information in the form of words, how everyone understand words, but not everyone understands the feelings put into those words. One can put so much effort into choosing the word and fit it in the jigsaw puzzle of the sentence, yet no one can see the emotions. How we have arms, how we hug with those arms, how we ave small arm extensions after, enabling us to clasp a pen, to write to a probably long forgotten person now remembered, how we can use them to pleasure, to amuse, and curse. Use them also, to wipe the tears off their faces; off your loved ones' faces, how we can hold their hands, how you held my hands, walked me through my deepest fears and diced off the tentacles of the thoughts who cling unto me. How we have a stomach; to some it is an orifice, to others, it is an abyss of nothing. They starve for they think they're not beautiful, or just the probable thought of nothing being able to fill them because of the aperture in the centre, towards the left of the heart. Knees, they bend because they're joints, they help us walk and discover, but they're weak, they're like iron; tough but able to rust. Weak. Weak. Weak. You loved me when I was weakest, you now deserve every bit of me at my best. Feet, feet extensions, to many serving no purpose, but to one with no hands, they're thankful, but I forget. We forget. 

I love the idea of boys, how they're the same yet different. Like anyone, they need water, air and food to survive. They get hurt by words and drown when they cannot swim. They've shoulders that are so much wider and hair so much shorter; I've always loved girls with hairdos so short it scared people, and boys with hair so long, people laugh. Those are my favourite sorts because they're different. I like anything discrepant from social norms. I love how boys have large hands, slim fingers, skinny, scrawny, muscular, anything. I like the idea of boys. I like the idea of how they're different yet the same. I like how they're the same yet different.

I like the idea of many things and I can't quite put them into words anymore.

kisses to whoever made this

                      

                             

                                 

                                 

                                    

             

                                

                                      

                                        

Write drunk edit sober

                                    

“My name is Ernest Miller Hemingway. I was born on July 21, 1899. My favorite authors are Kipling, O. Henry and Steuart Edward White. My favorite flower is lady slipper and tiger lily. My favorite sports are trout fishing, hiking, shooting, football and boxing. My favorite studies are English, zoology and chemistry. I intend to travel and write.” 

— Ernest Hemingway, Age 9.

amour platonique

nothing makes me a happier me than when i am with you. when i am with you, i feel like a better person, like there was nothing bad in this world.

i spend time everyday envisaging of us in the future. i want to get a ticket with you to nowhere in particular, we can be on backpack, with a coat, a shirt and a pair of socks in it, some cash, and each other. upon reaching our destination, we can rent a car, don't care, get a full tank of gas, and drive about. we can take turns. or not. we can do whatever you want. we can stop at a fast food joint after a whole day of travelling and get our favourite burgers, i can almost hear you screaming, "omg im so hungry i can eat you up now", adopting the adorable persona that you turn to all the time. after which, we can look for a motel, and it'll be fine when we realise that there are no more rooms left, because we've got that car, drive downtown to an open field; the grass is dampened with dew and i grumbled. i didnt want to get my hair wet. so you laid first, and told me to lie on you and there we lay under that constellation of stars as we fall into an indistinct dream.

it did not matter where we went, it did not matter what we had to do to make it through, and it definitely did not matter what we did not have as long as it is each other that we do. i often find myself frightened at the thought that you love me for the person i mould myself to be because i can be anything you want me to be. i am afraid that you love the me which i want you to see. i am scared to death, because i know i would run out and what happens when i do? i certaintly cannot imagine what will happen if you rid me of you. "vice versa" came the answer, "i won't ever get rid of you!" i protested,

"vice versa", said you.

i am so in love right now 

occurrences

felt the need to write. felt the need to talk about what is going on in my real life. 

real life? 

school has been going up the steep steep slope of one of the steepest mountain that I've seen in the aspect of education, I didn't remember myself studying this hard and paying this much of attention. thinking back to 4 years ago, what I did was zilch as compared to the effort put it now. I sincerely do hope that all these will sow great seeds, and I know for sure that hope will not disappoint. 

did I mention how much I dislike kids? actually I don't but its just went they get so noisy and curious about everything, it's when I feel like stuffing all their heads into dustbins, and pulling them out only after they've paid for (what I perceive) as their annoyance. 

random thought but remember when your parents were your very own superheroes? I do and they still probably are. however I just realized the grotesque of the society we live in now because we try to shun and shove our parents away at every opportunity. it's sad, if I have one wish that I can wish for, that'd be for everyone to never ever grow up because growing up introduces us to emotions which we have never felt before. emotions and feelings that kills us.

but the comfort comes when we know that we are not our feelings. 

elsewhere

everyone is angry. everyone is tired. everyone is restless. everyone is so far away.

people move in orbits that are so distant from each other.

we chase after temporal, silly, material happiness. not sure if it is because of the fast paced life that one leads in the city of singapore, or is the very nature of humans ourselves, that we do really think we can find true happiness and joy in the money we are going to earn, that we are going to find joy in the material wealth which is brought about by the money that we get from toiling and working, and having no time for emotional indulgence, doing things that actually make you really blithe, such as spending time with a loved one, shopping or simply eating a slice of chocolate cake from a nearby coffee joint which you have not had the opportunity nor the permission of time to go to these days. you get on board the train and look around, everyone is on their phones; checking e-mails, watching movies and videos and so on. yet, no one bothers to observe and look around and see the atrocity of the whole scene and also, not allowing themselves the disgust that one has to feel after having saw the state of the train. what each carriage in the train carries are not humans, it is zombies. we are all the same, with the thirst for success, money, and all things that will fade. we forget to look for the more exigent things such as happiness, relationships and also showing care and concern to the people that need it.

go into the toilet in a shopping centre and you see ladies touching up/ putting on make up to carry what they deem themselves as ugly, but do not see how ugly it is an act of everyone to want to look essentially like each other. with each bit of powder placed to cover blemishes on the faces of the women, inside they are screaming, would somebody actually notice the grotesque of this whole ritual? yet no one does, so no one says a thing, so no change occurs. if we would only take a step back and realise how beautiful we all are, maybe we would be happier.

there are so much more to life. marvel at how the birds fly unchallenged, and enjoying every bit of their flight. they do not strive for the food that will fill them but yet they are filled. look at the fishes and aquatic animals in places like america and canada that are prone to "winter" in the sense of a negative degree temperature, yet when the waters freeze they do not panic, and do not die. they are so adapted to their surrondings, without any additional preservatives that we humans use. we are such ugly creatures. we ruin ourselves. and it is not okay to think that it is okay.

solitude

he was endlessly enthralling and she was hopelessly fascinated.

black was what crowned his scalp, soft and smooth was its texture and it was made beautiful with the art of it being combed back like that of elvis presley. it was how his eyes sparkled whenever he spoke of something he had extreme passion for, it was how his nose twitched whenever he hears something unpleasant, or something not pleasing to his ears. but it comforted her that his nose never did twitch whenever she was speaking. it was how this line at the left side of his lip showed whenever he had to tell a lie meant as a joke. how he had to make false statements and try to keep a straight face. that line would be evident, and that line would separate the 'truths' and 'lies', "you're such a bad liar!" she always teased, but was always glad that that line at the side would never show or show signs of appearing whenever he told her she was beautiful, or whenever he told her he loved her. it was those perfectly shaped lips that captivated her, it was those lips on hers that took a piece along with the end of that kiss, that cold september morning, they were in knits and he had his arm over her, leaned it, and went for it. the exchange was warm, literally and metaphorically; that warmth was what she craved and knew she needed, both literally and metaphorically. she dived for more, and he did not balk. 

she knew the moment she submitted to him, it was the beginning and the end of everything. 

she loved his silence, and could love him even if he does not speak. it was something she grew comfortable in, something she had knotted herself in dead knots in. she knows it would be impossible to tear her apart as of now, but she allowed herself to. she crept slowly into his bones, and into his marrow. up his chest and down into his abdomen and ran into the comfort of his soul. she allowed him to diffuse into every bit of her being, and fill her lungs with the sweetness of his soul. it was beautiful. they knew from that moment forth, they would not be able to live without the existance of each, they co-exist. and none would be if the other would not.

you see people, they are each essentially one on their own. this two, they were one essentially. you could see their smiles, so close that when one smiles, the other does. so close that when one sleep, the eyes of the other is closed. so close that one eats, the other is filled. so close that if one walks out, it is out of themselves they are walking out of.

Homo sapiens

Funny how we humans dislike people shoving blames and hurl assaults of accusations at others but yet we ourselves do the same. Unhappy and happy events are closely joint with songs, places, people and objects; showing how we don't even leave the non living and business minding things alone. 

I would aspire and work towards not putting events and unfortunate occurrences on objects because that does not only reiterate and highlight the brutish nature of the event (most possibly since we are accustomed to not ever remember the good) as well as destroy the probable beauty of it. Associate a great song with a bad event, in teenage content possibly a bad break up or an almost lover than didn't work out on their chance with you. Possibly a friendship that has gone to waste, or feelings invested that did not sow any profits. Death. Leaving. Quitting. 

Humans are paradoxical creatures.

On the other hand if a bad song is being associated with good memories the opposite happens. Funny how we can change and tune ourselves to however the reality we want and we can even be absorbed in the faux reality we have created. However this shows we are so much more capable than we very often make ourselves to be. We are such powerful tools and I don't understand why people use their minds to trap themselves, be it in the past on the state that they can so easily get out of. They marinate in their sadness, now, let me tell you, you are not a steak. You are a human. And you're so much more than whatever you are. And whatever you are being.

Just be.

Grace, what have You done?

 

                      

Hi! As known to many, my June Chinese o level results are collected on Friday last week (23rd August; the day hitler and Stalin signed the nazi soviet pact) and I felt like sharing my journey towards the result I've gotten and also how God have been so faithful in everything, through everything :') I've only started really preparing for Chinese os after my SA1 this year because it was only then that it struck me that Os Chinese is THAT near, so yep I panicked, but i started revision by doing my TYS, reading model essays and things like that. June holidays, was a blur. Lessons on the first week drained me and the second week was just filled with catch ups with long lost friends and the 3rd was of me attending the best camp in the world, the encounter Jesus camp! School was disrupted on the 4th week because of the (thank God) haze HAHA thus enabling me to have some time to rest (as if I hadn't rest enough alr) and ofc study. But with the time i focused on subjects like math and science.....and I did not care about the much dreaded Chinese. 

As the days go, the day of the examination also drew nearer, went through intensive programs that were organized by the school and I did what I could. My results were hovering on the b3-c5 range and I still am failing my Chinese paper 2 with scores of 34/35 out of 70. My ears had some weird problem (HAHA) and my listening compre component was always a 14/20. The essence of it was my Chinese was bad. And at this rate, attaining an A1 was.... Out of the question. But I just trusted The Lord and did what I could. 

The day of the examination came. The worst happened. The paper was so. super. difficult. The day of my oral came, I felt good about it although I knew I did not do "that" well, with questions trying to be answered by yours truly and yet ending with "sorry laoshi wo shuo qi ta de, zhe ge wo bu hui jiang" so yep, horrible. But I felt good and I would believe it was because I know favour was poured all over me, and I was disgustingly drenched with that same favour :') listening compre was good. It was easier than all the other components. 

About 3 weeks before the results, I had a session with my church mates and I was asked if I did check if my answers for my Chinese paper was correct, and I casually went "nah Jesus says A1 means A1 la why must u care where the marks are gonna be from?" 

It was easy initially to keep faith and declare "I'm trusting god for an A1!" But when the day of the result really drew near, I got a little afraid, questions buzzed. Doubts rose. Faith dwindled. However, I guess this faith has somewhat seeped into my being, on the outside I still was "trust god for A1" on the inside, it was a 70% trust god for an A1, and 30% making a secret pact with god for at least a B3.

When I went up to collect my results, I was shocked, dumbfounded and hit so hard in my face of the reality that grace is so real. I got the results I do not deserve the least bit and it just got to be grace. I screwed up my oral yet I've got a distinction for that. How great is God! Jesus how cooooool. B) 

Grace is so real. Wisdom is so real. Favour is so real. Jesus is too real.

I was somewhat faithless, but He was unfailingly faithful. 

Without a doubt there are also times where I've expected better results and yet I don't get it, but I hold on strongly to the faith that it is because there is something greater out there for me. He has promised and called me a success, with a future so bright I got to wear shades. And He's not stopping now :') 

xo

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I dont exactly know why i always think it's fine to get pictures of people online and posting it on my blog. I know i gotta stop doing these things.

It has indeed been long since i got onto this space, and I have been putting a good thought into wanting to start to write again. Been keeping little notes here and there; in my planner, my phone, post its, everywhere. But never did I find a place suitable enough for me to plan 'complete' thoughts down. Maybe I would use this space again.

Just some updates in case some people still bother reading this space (I highly doubt so but if there is anyone here then, hi). Life has been pretty much mediocre for me. Certain changes in my life did occur though, but none so great I remember. 

I am really considering to start writing here all over. O levels in about 2 months and O level English oral tomorrow. Only thing affecting me is how much it doesn't affect me, but i guess it's probably due to the fact that i know my daddy god is going to be with me :) and He's gonna make everything awesome. Even my mistakes will prosper. 

I might be using this space again. I might not be using this space again. Till then :) (love you whoever might be here)