!!!!!!!!!!!!

I occasionally love YouTube's "recommended" section. 

Aims and Ambitions

For the lack of a better word in my minute pool of vocabulary, I have been thinking of "New Year Resolutions". Nothing expresses my dislike for this term because it seems so hallow, meaningless and ordinary to me. In the days of my younger youth, I have created lists of resolutions and have broken them within the first hour of the next year, I have stopped since because I grew etched to the idea that change is the only constant and I can advocate any change I want upon myself anytime I want and wish.

I am clearly aware that next year is going to be a tough year because of the workload, stress and the constant sprint against time. Albeit that, I am very certain that I want to make 2015 count. 2014 has come and gone, and I admit I have wasted quite some time on things that I know will probably not matter 10 years down the road. I have been caught up in the whirlpool of my emotions, trying to trap the water and emerge victorious out of each pointless and ridiculous emotional battle. At the very least, those absurd and aimless events made me a better person I guess, considering the fact that I am able to sit now and write (also laugh) about such absurd and aimless events now. But there is no need for that next year right? I will just start right and start by setting the tone straight. If by any chance I may forget on what I have set my eyes on 19/12/2014 on 2015, be sure that I will come and look back at this and remember again, and set my voyage towards the right direction again.

1. Make time for myself
I don't mean this in a "I will read for at least 45 minutes a week" or "Every alternate Sunday is my going out day! kind of thing. I mean it in a "I'll make time for myself whenever I need it, even if there is a test tomorrow and I want ice-cream (taking that I have revised prior), I will go get myself that ice-cream". Whatever matters to me should matter, I am not going to let the pursuit for material achievements rob that individuality off me. I am going to make time for myself and make myself matter. Do things I want to do and feel happiness that I can feel.

2. Prioritize
This is speaking from a point where I am completely aware that next year is going to be so packed with events; SG50, Pre-U Seminar, season, A levels, etc. I will take it as a good experience and learn the importance of prioritize. Next year is going to be filled with opportunities like never before, and I am going to use them to my advantage. I am really excited! I think I will start by getting a planner of some sort, so I can note the important events in them. Sink or swim; that's my call.

3. Be the best
I am going to attempt to stop comparing myself relative to the achievements of others. I am my own person and the success of another does not make my success less successful. I just got to have the right attitude and mindset, and things will fall into place. 2015 will be a year of self-indulgence and I will rejoice at all successes no matter how little. Being disappointed at times is okay, but I must remember to never mop over it and let it get the better of me.

This is an unexhaustive list on things I should be doing because I am not a person good enough. But that is okay, I will be fine and possibly adding more lists during the year *cue belief of change is possible any time! when I feel that I have succeeded this list. Wish my luck and keep me in your prayers everyone, be sure that you'll be in mind! Splendid day ahead X 

Solitude

There are many things that I have to learn in this life, there are many times I will be disappointed and there will be many times I will be let down and put down. I have to learn to float, to think for myself solely sometimes. Is there a point in being selfless when everyone else is selfish? In this vacuum that we live in, is there really space for kindness? I believe in the kindness and love of strangers far more than the kindness and love of some people that I hold closest to me. Is it not comforting a thought that someone out there would jump into a lake to save a life whilst you attempt to take yours because of the person you want to die for on the other part of the universe thinking about what more there is to life? It is appalling, baffling coupled with a tinge of insanity. I have to get over myself and learn to understand and trust that I am not ever going to be one of those girls that everybody's parents warned them about. I have to trust myself that I will divert from that and move to my ideal? Or is it his? Or theirs? Does it matter, really?

Life has been unkind, and will always be unkind. We all have to learn to get around the adversaries because we know we will get around and emerge only stronger than before. We have to learnt that what breaks us will eventually not and what doesn't kill us will make us wish it did, but it wouldn't, and it makes us stronger. Life has also its tinge of happiness and bittersweet happenings. Have been busy with studies and football and have been wondering if that is what life is all about. 

besoin

“At 19, I read a sentence that re-terraformed my head: “The level of matter in the universe has been constant since the Big Bang.”
In all the aeons we have lost nothing, we have gained nothing - not a speck, not a grain, not a breath. The universe is simply a sealed, twisting kaleidoscope that has reordered itself a trillion trillion trillion times over.
Each baby, then, is a unique collision - a cocktail, a remix - of all that has come before: made from molecules of Napoleon and stardust and comets and whale tooth; colloidal mercury and Cleopatra’s breath: and with the same darkness that is between the stars between, and inside, our own atoms.
 When you know this, you suddenly see the crowded top deck of the bus, in the rain, as a miracle: this collection of people is by way of a starburst constellation. Families are bright, irregular-shaped nebulae. Finding a person you love is like galaxies colliding. We are all peculiar, unrepeatable, perambulating micro-universes - we have never been before and we will never be again. Oh God, the sheer exuberant, unlikely fact of our existences. The honour of being alive. They will never be able to make you again. Don’t you dare waste a second of it thinking something better will happen when it ends. Don’t you dare.”

Caitlin Moran

gym life

How has everyone been? I hope you guys have been happy, and being the best 'you' you can ever be. I have been quite happy, I also felt a little angry for a bit here and there, but that is completely normal I suppose. Currently, I am on this smoothie diet plan, and I do not mean diet as in a diet to be skinny and all, but a diet to be a better 'me'! It is day 2 today, and though it doesn't seem like much I just thought I wanted to articulate how I feel about this. I have also tried to eat clean because I really want a what I perceive to be an ~ideal~ body by the end of December, before school reopens.

Alright, so here's why:
Firstly, I feel so weak and useless during training, especially during strength training and fitness training and I remember always feeling like dying at the end of those sessions. Basically, what sparked off this change in lifestyle was actually when we had to always do planks after training and how I always feel horrible after those, I decided to do planks on my own after that. And I realized that I do get stronger as the days go by and it started to not burn as much anymore. I was really glad and thought why not just do this all the time?

Secondly, it was also because of my need to pass my NAPHA test next year. So I had to train up my arms because I have always been failing my inclined pull ups.. I was sick of that so I thought if I wanted to make a change and if I want a change it really has got to start with myself right? So YES.

Lastly, it is just about being a better me for myself. It sucks feeling so tired after just a say, 2.4km run or a 30 minute football match, so I decided that it was time to put a stop to all these weakness. I just wanted to be strong and fit and everything and also aim to get a more toned body because that looks nice right? It sure does to me!!! Exercising can also ensure that your body processes are also taking place at a 'healthy' rate and your body will also feel much better about itself. It also boost self-confidence!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND FOR THE BUTT

It also does help that I have got all this inspiration when it was the holidays because I would have the free time to start exercising.. I personally feel that the start is always the toughest and hence, it is important to have a NO EXCUSE start. So being the holidays, I would have no excuses to say that I have no time.... or something along those lines, so I am really grateful for that as well!! It takes 22 days to form a habit and right now, I can say that I am at day 10? I am getting there!!! If you guys are wondering what I have been doing I basically just run (a bit!!!!) and then start with strength training mostly on the abdominal area as well as the quards, sometimes on the shoulders and back as well!! (reason being I play football and those areas are essential). I also work on my arms with body-weight only exercises like push ups and dips.
As you may already know, fitness is 30 percent gym and 70 percent outside of the gym so I have also been watching my diet and eating food that are beneficial to me. So here's what I ate for the past 3 days:
Wednesday, 26 Nov 2014
Breakfast: Breakfast
Lunch: Pau and Hakkau
Dinner: Salmon fish!! (Good polyunsaturated fat!!!)

Thursday, 27 Nov 2014
Breakfast: Banana and Peanut butter smoothie
Lunch: Yoghurt and a slice of Hawaiian pizza
Dinner: Rice

Friday, 28 Nov 2014
Breakfast: Strawberry and Peanut butter smoothie
Lunch: UDON
Dinner: Not there yet

I have been trying my best to be consistent with my meals but some compromises have to always be made, and I for one am not someone that can easily reject food so sometimes I would go with it, for e.g. the pizza.. it isn't the healthiest thing but I believe in burning what you eat, so that is alright for me I guess.

The reason why I am sharing this with you all is so that whenever I want to give up I will think of the people I have already announced it to and are possibly waiting for my results.. so in order not to embarrass myself I will press on! I am on day 10 of my fitness routine and day 3 of my diet plan now, and I am not giving up! I believe I'd reach the 22 days if I try, and I will be able to have a God-like fitness alongside with a Gold for my NAPHA test if I am consistent! X 

You make me brave

The glistening sun against your brown hair makes me yearn for hair like yours. The soft tingling feeling that I feel when your hand brushes against mine is indescribable. How you pucker your lips begging for a kiss is nothing I can mimic and the way your lips defy gravity after seeing what sparks your interest is something I will want to bring with me forever. I guess I could never thank you enough, for showing me how strong I can be, for showing me how weak I can afford to be. Thank you for always being there, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, but simply hurting with me and yearning to calm my aching soul. That mere thought alone is what comforts me when I think I cannot anymore. I detest what I do to you sometimes, but I thank you for always being willing to forgive me no matter what the circumstance, and I can only hope for that to always be the case.

I love how the vegetables you eat get stuck in between your teeth, I love how the words you churn get knotted within your tongue and I love how the clothes you wear mismatch sometimes. I love how you keep me in your embrace, and know exactly when to stay silent because you know I think that is the greatest exchange. I love how your apologies get trapped in your throat because you are afraid I won't take it for it anymore, but I appreciate that you try to seek my forgiveness anyway. I guess what you do not know is that I will never not forgive you, it is not because I want to, but it is because I know no other way. I love how stupid you can sound when you try to reason out with me but I thank you for always listening to my side of the story first, because you'd rather lose the argument. I love you for always laughing at stupid things that aren't funny, and saying the weirdest and most nonsensical of things because you know it will make me laugh. I love you from the littlest detail imprinted on you; from how you think wearing the same shoes will affect our relationship in some way, to the larger marks that defines you; your principles, your beliefs. I guess it is true when they say you never let a weirdo go, because I don't think I can ever find someone like you. And I guess it is true when they say there is a certain kind of perfection that can only be realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect, because I found you.

X

indications

You'll never know:
the last popsicle you'd eat
the last rain you'd run in
the last chicken nuggets you'd buy for yourself
the last sit up you'd do
the last pair of shoes you'd get
the last spa massage you'd go to
the last time you'll visit a certain mall

the last person you'd trust
the last act of compassion you'll do
the last genuine smile you'd see
the last electrifying handshake you'll feel

you'll never know the last time you'd see the person for the first time, you'll never know the last heartfelt, thought provoking, questioning, yet one possessing of complete assurance, "I love you" from the person you desire to engulf

you'll never know, so as a note from a dying men to thee, appreciate everything and don't lose sight of anything X

Malacca

I haven't been writing on this space for the longest time, and to be honest I do miss writing here quite a bit. Having a space to write about things I care about, and feelings I cannot help but feel, sharing it with like-minded individuals and people I would like to think care. That is a nice idea, isn't it? A midst the chaos in this selfish, merciless world. Anyway, sad things apart, I went to Malacca for a short getaway with a group of friends during the weekend and it was really fun and great. I had a wonderful experience and saw things that I could never have in Singapore. Malacca is not exactly one of the "poorest" countries in Asia, neither is it one of those countries that are in dire need. But the difference it has with Singapore is obvious enough. I stayed in a 4/5-star hotel, or equivalent one out of the generosity of Heather's mother, and despite it's majestic exterior, the view was not at all picturesque or anything. This brings out one of the biggest problem in the world, poverty. On either side of this hotel, there were shop houses, tents, motor cycles, bicycles, worn out cars, old schools and malls, which only tourists like us frequented. The shops in the malls where I considered definitely affordable were empty and quiet. The environment in these malls were non-existent and the silence was deafening. On further probing I understood that it was because of the cost of living there, that shopping in these what I previewed as normal day-to-day shopping places were a priviledge that less than half the population could afford.

However, the crowd at the night market was a whole different story. The night market was bustling with presence despite the rain that night which only made the environment much more nostalgic and to long for. The cool weather also prevented me from perspiring, making the experience even more pleasant. The shopping and fashion in Malacca was really disappointing, though, But the food was one of a kind- definitely one that you cannot find in Singapore. Walking down the roads of Jonker street, you are greeted with the smell of an amalgamation of flavours; fried, boiled, grilled, steamed. I loved it! The food there were really affordable as well, ranging from RM 2 to RM 20; which is like $0.50 to $10. Defo worth it! There was also a nice Peranakan food place near the hotel which the driver drove us to first which was really nice as well. The Otah there were great and the aroma from the food also drove me crazy. The chefs were obviously not saving up on the spices and ingredients.

The hotel was great too, with pleasant service, though I would choose the street snacks over the breakfast buffet. Went tanning after breakfast and the sun wasn't really cooperating. The tanning facilities were also not superb or anything, though, but it was no surprise because tanning in bikinis etc weren't exactly a common sight in Malaysia as a whole. Swam for a bit before changing up and checking out after that. My friends wanted to do a pedicure after that which cost RM 25 only, it is the "artsy" type, mind you. The price was brilliant! Unfortunate but a booking has to be made prior, which was why they did not get it.

All in all, this was a pleasant and much-needed getaway which I am so glad I took. Hopefully, I would be going to Hong Kong at the end of the month/this year! I really miss that place!

P.S Pardon the style of this post; I am highly aware it is unlike me. But I am trying to explore with various writing styles and tones, trying to improve my language sensitivity in the process as well! :p 

cat fish and bottle men

Promotional exams have ended and i don't remember being this happy since exams started. Though yes, i am busy with other things now, it is some other sort of busyness, you know? I'd rather this anyway. Dealing with 2 A level subjects now; PW and Chinese and I honestly have no idea how I am coping. Thankful though, thankful I am not in this alone. Thankful that everyone has been nothing short of a blessing. I will make it through, that I am very sure. 

Found something I forgot about just yesterday. I remember crying every single time I watched it 3 years ago, I am grown now. I no longer cry over that; instead I cry over how I lack the mental capacity to understand things and to comprehend that I am actually alright. I cry over how difficult it is for me to be what I truly want to be. Oh yes, anyway, back to that, I no longer cry over that snippet of memory I found, instead I handed it over to someone I love, and moulded it into something worthy, something happy.

I am happy now :") 

tea isn't the only classy drink

it is 7.39am and i love you, i will love you at 7.40am, 7.40pm, 8, 9, 10. it's you and it has always been. i think i've reached a point where i cannot imagine having not met you / though at times i really wished i haven't. i do not understand how someone can love so hard, yet display so little, or so it seems. i am sorry i've a loving and sentimental heart, i think i act too much and think through too little. i'm sorry that at times, i expire and i run out, sometimes, i've to be paired with something else to make myself better.

i want to be nestled within your compliments, i want my happiness to be yours. you know how full this is?- you make my heart happy; it isn't a metaphor, "YOU make my heart happy!" i took it out on you, i don't think you caught it though, it was silliness on my part to think you would. we spoke a different language and meditated on different ideas, you. are. so. different. 

Life / I am so happy



 Today, I have successfully came up with 2 ideas for an upcoming project submission, though it is not much, I am trusting that it would be accepted. I went out to town today, grabbed some wraps and got a present for a friend. Later on, I went for a Chinese musical which didn't quite interest me, it was boring I fell asleep. But I'm glad art is art and there are people who liked it. On the way back home, I played 2048 on my phone and an American boy grabbed me and semi-demanded for my high score, and was all praises when I told him what it was / felt happy because that incident was really funny. His friend later proceeded to pull his pants off a minute later, all on the train. Didn't want to get too friendly so I ignored what happened and moved to the nearest empty seat.

 

Yesterday, I had a feast at a classmates' house and it was really fun. Played FIFA and screamed my lungs out after and went home later on with a fellow friend, fell asleep on the bus because I was too tired and dreaded that I got to get up and get off the bus / also wished at that moment I could teleport. Went home and wrote a little before I fell asleep and woke up at about 9 today hence giving church a miss.

 

And 2 days ago, I went back to my secondary school and had fun snapping pictures and also getting drenched in the familiarity that is so unfamiliar these days. Went for dessert at an ice cream joint a bus away after that and chatted the afternoon away / I had chewy waffles topped with cookies and cream ice cream. I later proceeded to get myself a cute 15x35 sling bag thing for $7.

 

Tomorrow, I am going to help my friend with her projects in the morning and following that I would meet the boy of my dreams, probably heading to study followed by a nice dinner and (hopefully) some dessert as well.

Tame Impala - Feels Like We Only Go Backwards

3 fears

#1 - self 

I am compulsively selfish and i find myself being more of that these days. i dislike how i am, how i am selfish and want "you" all to myself. i hate how i get jealous even at the cups that get to touch the outline of your lips more often than i do, hate those white shirts you wear that get to feel your skin more closely than i do. hate how jealous i am of even the handrails you hold on to to prevent yourself from falling; how at that moment you needed them so much more than you needed me. even of the towels that get to wipe off the droplets of perspiration you let, and even the cells in your body that will probably be closer to you than i will ever be.

#2 - distance 

I am completely appalled by the physical distance. "20 minutes to Cainhill" it reads, more like "20 lifetimes I've to wait" it seems. I miss you i miss you i miss you. what is the distance from the Earth to the moon? when i was 5, i remember wanting to stay on the moon when my kindergarten teacher told me life is ensured on there. I'm glad i did not, though. what is the distance from the bottom of the sea bed to the gates of your home? that one time you labelled me 'bad' i cried oceans, i never thought i would stop. and what is the distance between you and I? probably even a milometer would be unable to quantify. i need you so much closer still.

#3 - you

i dont ever think you can understand the dynamics of us as much as i do, i understand too much and see too little, yet for you, it is the other way around. you are majestic and out there, and you stutter naught when you speak to me. you smell like morning coffee brewed the night before and tastes like a sweet pea. your hair looks perfect and your lips are the right shade of pink, and oh how could i forget, your hands are the realest things I've seen. you see, i get scared when i speak to you, and you overpower me. i dont always smell like vanilla and roses, and never had i been the perfect that you yearn.

I'm glad that even though the above all holds true, love conquers all and it's me that you're looking to. 

ugh

Went to church today and learnt / realised that I can and am empowered by the things by God. People put their strengths and worth in many things, I for one place mine in religion. Religion is something I hold very close to me; a very basis for a better life. I have questioned and thought of the 'many thin lines' that are controversial. e.g there is a thin line between doing things out of love for God and hatred for the devil, or there is a fine line between loving God and loving what God can provide.

I hope I never do find the answers to these questions though, because I understand that when I do, many things will change. It would mean(maybe) that I am intelligent (enough). I am unsure. Nonetheless, I am happy and blessed now :-) and that is all that matters is it not? That one is happy. School is on again tomorrow, and I honestly cannot wait for the day where I am just doing things I love and only that. Can't wait for university where things that interest / things i love is being taught. Cannot wait until I only feel nothing but excited for school. Don't get the point of working on things you have the least bit of interest in, i.e Project work. Never someone big on ideas, and boy, is this one big trouble. Shall try my best nonetheless, God is my strength. Aware also that I am sounding pretty silly right now, like that of a child but is that not what all yearn to be like again? 

Getting back to work, wish me luck / keep me in your prayers y'ones! x 

dominance

"i love you" i started, you held your hands close to my lips signaling for my to stop. i don't blame you, what do i understand of that anyway? i know naught, and i need to. in all my dominance, you spake zilch, you obliged, you compromised, agreed, allowed, applauded and loved. understanding my pain, my hurt, sorrows. not forgetting nor neglecting the fact that you caused them, you hurt with me. one would emerge victorious from being able to hurt and cause an emotion on another party, but you resented that fact and only continually sought to improve. "I love you", you argued, and i did too. but what did i know? zilch. none. naught. you are brave, and unarguable the best. you have hurt me the most in all aspects, you are worth so much more but you do not see it and chose to stick with someone like such. you bring me so much happiness yet in defense you would argue that the happiness is reflected from the one who first gave it to you- me. you are what even metaphors cannot describe; do i say that you're as passionate as a rose? or do i say that you're as persistent as a woodpecker? the best i can come up with is that you love me in that moment between the thunder and the lightning, the difference in second from each beat, the differences in voltage of each charge, and the distance between your skin and mine. it's slow and electrifying, quiet but expectant. it is tough and assuring, and yet close and burning.

you dominate me. 

an open letter to whoever needs it

she dreamt of butterflies and colourful hot air balloons, wonderful carnival rides and candy floss, a lot of candy floss. she thought of blue birds and black ones, and compose poems that held a tune. she wore black and white and got questioned many times why, merely smiled, and without giving an answer she just walked. she could do anything she wanted, she did not have to answer to anybody. because after all, she had the universe in her hands, she counted the cattles and laid on the green grass whenever she wanted, she counted the number of petals on a flower that dawned upon a colour she never thought she could pull off. her ash brown hair glistened in the sunlight, and her salmon pink gums showed whenever she sees butterflies playfully latching unto her, as if begging for her love, as if yearning to be in her position, "i'd rather be you" she often whispered.

the moment came when she lost herself. her silence came more often than not, "empty vessels make the most noise!" she reminded herself, her mother would be pleased. she walked around like an apology and she wanted to get smaller. she pinched the excess and drew dotted cut-out lines on parts of her flesh which she desperately felt she needed to throw away. she screamed at her reflection and longed for her mirror to burst into flames, she hated what she saw. she saw naught but the colour red, especially on the underside of her arms and the inside of her thighs. her walls were painted black and the face that once radiated in the sun is now reduced to nothing but a piece of what she considered "worthless". all she longed for was someone to pick her up and solve the mess for her; but what she did not understand was that the mess begun with her. she had to fix herself. she had to take the step out of the self-pity and for once, speak up. stop walking like an apology, stop saying sorry and meaning it. stop shortchanging and putting herself second best. the devil does not play fair.

i long for the day your eyes will glisten again with life, one day you will be strong enough to know what is best for you. one day you will understand that you are not a mistake, and that thought shall never even have the chance to float in your mind. that thought shall be extinguished like the fire that occurred the day you tried to light yourself up, "it's dark inside," you argued. when you've got nothing left to burn, you got to set yourself on fire. i long for the day you will be hopelessly unapologetic, your happiness matters more than anything else. you matter more than anything else. how do you expect someone else to regard you as first when you limit yourself to second? you are not a table, a switch, a handle. you are a human being with life and if anything, i want you to know that i miss the strength you once possess, the carefreeness that you once held like a middle finger above your head.

and you will get it all back, i promise 

to: you

tall, dark and bearing a golden tan that can serve as the epitome of health and outdoors, a sight
like such would definitely win the attention of many. by hearsay, i realised that you yield no
satisfaction in the consideration that you got. a rare sight, you're nice to the people not as
physically fortunate as you and you do naught to ostracize. admirable, i must say, alluring,
without a doubt. you carry yourself around like someone whom no one would approach, because
of your domineering physique, and your intimidating good looks. i swear i would never forget
the credulousless your eyes held the first day our eyes met. neither would i forget how those
eyes scanned the room for a glimpse of what sparked interest in you, how those things only did
add naught but ambrosial distinction that helped differentiate you from others.

i pale in comparison

is it not humbling a thought that one so beautiful and divine, would be so lack of sedate and call
someone so much unworthy of their praises all but inferior? it baffles me all day that such that
is would be ever realistic. am i too much of a realist? and is it sad that it is hurting my head how
thought provoking an incident like such can be? if all else fails and we never meet, and till our
paths if they ever cross, there is only one which i have to say; that it does not matter if you
know zilch but this, that

you don't know how lovely you are 

love is a dog from hell

“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.” 
― Charles Bukowski, Love is a Dog from Hell

for the lack of a better word, updates

It has been long since i last came on this space due to the lack of time as well as the laziness / incompetency that kicks in whenever i try to settle down and write something but with the countable days left to the start of the June holidays i am sure i will be here more often.

Things have been a roller coaster of emotions for the past month but i am glad things are starting to settle down again. i admire the confidence i see in other individuals i dont know why, is it because of the fact that i know i will never be able to be like that? or is it because of the longing that i used to be like such? i want to be able to trust. to be able to realise and feel for once that someone will not hurt me, and even if they do it is not out of consciousness. I am so sorry for always having to put you through whatever i do, but i am more than thankful that you're still here, that you're still sticking around. it is so pathetic that my emotions towards whatever you did is reduced to merely "more than thankful" because i myself cannot comprehend this gratitude that i feel. thank you thank you thank you. I will fight for you, i will thirst and long after all your soul can give and in exchange, i will give you my all. I will not give up and press on till the moment that giving up will cease and never be seen as an option again. i love you that you accept all my flaws and shortcomings and i hate myself that at times, i cannot see past them. I love you i love you i love you. it is so horribly selfish of me to always expect you to be there for me and i do blame you for negligence yet i myself realise and know that i am the one taking you for granted at times. I am so afraid that you will just get sick and tired of this and leave , yet deep in my heart i know you would not? is it sad that i am crying now? i love you so much and i dont think any other person, never any other person will be able to give me what you gave me.

two objects cannot occupy the same place, i am so glad we complement and i pray so so so hard that we would complement all the time and that till eternity, one cannot function without the other

i love you more than this and i feel sad because however much i try to put these feelings into words i cannot and i belittle you and my feels for you. i love you 

Spring

Trees are losing their shine, pastel pink flowers that once umbrella over the greens now make way for the harsh cold. I never thought words could hurt this bad, never knew meaning second to the only one you regard first could kill you inside. The skies are pink now, maybe they do love you too, see, darling, maybe that's why they're bleeding. I find comfort in my sorrow, it shows that I still have an ounce of something; an emotion of some sort to grip onto. Corny, a cliché; life. is. fragile. Trying to take things simply now, without an iota of indifference and trying not to flare, trying to bleed till I'm dry, trying to consume myself from within. When you left you took the part of my soul that made me live/ love, you took one of the few things that dictated to others that I was still alive. I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying, I really am, I seem to shout, you seem to echo it too. 

Let's be a better person for each other, 

I'll be a better person for you. 

I promise  

i will probably still adore you with your hands around my neck

i havent blogged for awhile now. i turned 17 a few days ago. i never thought 17 year old's can still be this childish. never knew that 'keep out' has to be emphasised. don't let anyone rip you of your joy. i want a pair of Nike free runs. i am enjoying myself at football. why is it that when you pretend to be someone better at a certain thing you're doing, you get better? wit beyond measure is men's greatest treasure. i feel on task, but am i? i am loved. my 17th birthday celebration had been simple yet not comprehensible. i would not want it any other way. school is fine. it is not sucking the life out of me. and it wouldn't.

my breathing intensifies, it is always you, all i do it's all for you. the thought of 'you' is so closely knitted with all my thoughts, when i speak, your voice is laced around mine; like a cell membrane would be of the nucleus. it encloses, protects. like rain pouring on a sleep-in morning, you sooth and awake me in comfort. i squint and saw a shape of what i perceived as heaven. 

happy; smiles, measured laughter. happy.

i can be happy-sad, happy-excited, happy-disappointed. but happy is stuck on like Velcro unto me, it is what secures you and I. 

i doubt anyone can be as happy as we have been. 

mandatory new years post

2013 had been such a blur, it took on the speed of the bullet train blasting thru the midnight fog because the train driver overslept for his shift. however it did not bother me how fast the year flew past as i didnt want 2013 to be drag either. i dealt with many things and got over myself this year, i'd like to believe that i have became a better person. i am still at it though, better is never enough. 2013 had taught me many things, i've grown closer to God and saw Him a bit more than i did the year before 2013; 2012. 2012 seemed so long ago now, everything is such a blur. if people can only realise that every day of their lives is just going to slither past before they even know it, maybe they would dedicate it to serving the one of the higher intelligence, which is God himself who so love all of us.

it is inevitable to talk about resolutions in this post. never have i been an avid creator of new year resolutions simply because i dont believe in them. i believe in the fact that anyone and everyone can change who they want to be and set out goals they want themselves to achieve at any point of their lives. new years day is just another day. however i chanced upon a photo yesterday and decided to make that my new years resolution. i'm going to learn to love myself more, come to terms with myself over certain aspects of things i never think i can and also be a better person on a whole; however controversial 'better' can be.

i spent the last day of 2013 with the person i spent the year loving. it was great despite squeezing through the sock smelling crowd and also the smell of nose piercing cigarettes stench. despite having to stand all the way back, and catching a (possibly better) view of the fireworks and after which having to squeeze with the whole of singapore to get to the mrt station, i still wouldnt want it any other way. here's to another year of greatness, and i hope all of you people reading this would have a year as splendid as the one i know i will have.