Nostalgic morning

Been putting dcfc/coldplay/kodaline on loop for the past half hour or so and i am feeling terribly nostalgic, slightly anxious and also an awful lot of sadness. I have been trying to be in touch with myself lately, i always catch myself thinking "I want to write something!" or, "I want to say something!" I have not felt this opinionated nor open about my opinions like this in a very long time. There are both pros and cons to this I suppose - you get to make your opinions known and may also (in my case) create a new found problem for yourself, where you find it difficult to reconcile and find a closure for yourself. 

I never have thought of myself as someone that would ever want to conform to what society expects of me. This is because the fear of mediocrity chills me to the bones and the fear of being substandard and uniform makes me sick in the gut. I want to stand out, i want to be different. I want to be "the weird one that made it". That is, however, beside the point of what i want to write about today. I want to write about closures. I want to write about endings. I've just read a blog post of one of the bloggers i periodically read about; she has just recently lost a friend. Well, i believe that something like death is a loss creates an ache that never quite really heals. I love the analogy about how a dancer never really never ever feel the pain of their first injury, but merely learn how to dance through the soreness, and taking it as part of what they feel in a dance. I fully, thoroughly agree with that. I've lost some of my loved ones at, i would say, quite a young age and that is something i never think about too much because i simply do not find a reason to. The idea of death makes me sick because i do not know what comes after that - being a christian, however, i do believe in the notion of heaven and hell but the question is : will you be able to meet your loved ones back there? What about the relationships that you've forged on your time on earth?
For me, i have a lot of love to give and hence have forged many precious relationships with friends and also my beloved M. Am i going to lose all of that when i die? If so, what is the reason for all of that even in this world? I rather be in solitude and get hit with the hurt of loneliness on my time here, than be speared for the hurt and sadness that i am not going to be able to continue having a piece of these relationships in the afterlife. Another theory puts forth, it doesn't matter if you remember these relationships because you would be so in awe of heaven that all these take a back seat. This then brings the question today - closure. So... if that theory is accurate, are the people left on earth after one passes grieving for nothing? Hoping for nothing? This makes my heart feels like it is broken to a thousand pieces because now, now i feel that life is all a sick joke because we are all here to play a certain role in the lives of the people we meet. Temporal. No matter how strong the bonds are, no matter how tough the relationships can be. The memories created. Temporal. 

Who's going to watch you die??? IT DOESN'T MATTER. Because you'll forget and seek eternal happiness in the afterlife while your loved ones grieve. Is that quite right?? I don't know. I hope not.

Like flies to wanton boys, are we to the gods, they kill us for their sport.